3 Ways to Make Your Married Arguments Productive

ELüge Wiesel wrote, "The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference." And divorce usually happens because one or both spouses have become indifferent. They didn't hate each other, but like all couples, they fought. And they couldn't resist seeing conflict as a sign of a terrible marriage. So they drifted into indifference.

But indifference doesn't have to describe your marriage. I am not writing to tell you that couples should never argue. I am writing to say that you had better argue. You have an opportunity to show love when you know how to argue effectively with your spouse. Here are 3 ways to make your marriage arguments productive.

1. Be honest.

Sure, maybe you don't lie directly to your wife. But when you talk about a problem, do you sound worse than it is? Or do you have relevant thoughts and feelings that you don't want to share? Honesty doesn't just happen. Often a spouse is prone to half-truths and reveals only incomplete information. Whether it's about finances or other serious decisions, beware of any form of lying. Also, be careful not to intentionally change the subject to share your spouse's attention.

It takes courage to be honest. I've found that couples simply need to grow in their understanding, empathy, and caring for one another. When we look for ways to appreciate our spouse, we tend to want to see things from their perspective. When we really care about understanding each other, we cultivate honesty. When we want to be understood, we reveal more easily what we really think. And if we want to understand our spouses, it's easier for us to hear (and even ask for) their thoughts. That's part of being honest, and it's honest couples who handle arguments best.

2. Attack the problem, not the person.

It's tempting to attack the person rather than the problem. You may talk while your spouse is talking, raise your voice, or say something hurtful. We must focus primarily on the subject and not on the person. I've found that it's best to tackle just one problem at a time. And when bringing up something, try not to bring up the other spouse's history of behavior. It never helps. In fact, it usually creates more cleavage.

Remember that everything you do communicates something. From facial expressions and hand gestures to sighs and rolling eyes, what do you communicate most often? Love? To hate? Indifference? The best way I've found to attack the problem rather than the person is to be solution-oriented. When I talk about the problem, I'm not talking about the person. "Maybe we could try this new restaurant I'm looking forward to!" sounds a lot more affectionate than "We always eat where you want to eat and I hate it."

3. Actively listen.

During an argument, it's important that you don't formulate what you're going to say while your spouse is speaking. Active listening is a skill you can learn. I'm a literal listener. I'm hanging on every word that's said. My wife Susan is more of a big picture person. We just have different communication styles. Knowing this, when Susan and I need to address a difficult subject, we use the speaker-listener technique. dr Gary Smalley also calls it "drive-through communication" because that's how you communicate when you order in a drive-through line. You place your order and the cashier repeats, "That's two burgers, a medium fries, and a large coke." If the cashier heard you right, say it. If not, try again.

Imagine using the speaker-listener technique in your marriage. How much would active listening change your arguments? Let's approach arguments by being kind, being affable, and being gracious. Even if you fight, you can still be compassionate. You can learn to only say what lifts your spouse up instead of tearing him or her down.

What else can a couple do to make marital arguments more productive? Share a comment below.

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