Covid Has Made Me Hate People

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I sit in the same corner of the couch every night after my kids have gone to sleep. I curl up under a blanket, pop open a fresh Diet Coke and munch on M&Ms while mindlessly scrolling the social media void. Before the pandemic, I found some posts mildly annoying, but overall they served as a fairly harmless distraction.

I would smile, laugh, sometimes roll my eyes and feel entertained. After two years of a completely upside-down routine, where face-to-face conversation is always tense, everything feels oncoming. From the house tours to the museum tours and everything in between, every post feels like a personal attack on my motherhood and makes me feel shitty.

I get upset when I see someone on a tropical family vacation. I feel inadequate when I see a friend homeschool her kids and confused when I see large indoor celebrations. I get angry when I see loud political posts and memes, and I get annoyed when I see people behaving carelessly.

Within moments of scrolling, I decide my kitchen is too small, my thighs are too big, and I need a complete wardrobe overhaul. My four year old needs to learn how to ride a two wheeler, my boys need ice skates and my husband needs to learn how to build me a desk out of the old pile of wood in the backyard. I leave feeling frustrated with myself and upset with everyone else. So what's really going on?

Social media was once just a fraction of my experience with people. I have seen them in person, chatted with them, watched them and felt their energy. But I've isolated myself for too long. With three young children and a 2020 baby, I have kept my family at home for the most part, with the exception of school and some safely managed activities. I replaced coffee appointments with deep dives into Instagram accounts. I traded fits of laughter for Tik Tok dancing at the indoor playground. I've eschewed real human interaction and replaced it with small, brightly lit squares filled with insufferable content, riddled with divisive opinions and loud comments.

Oh, you hiked three miles with four kids and found a little salamander and a golden goose egg? Cool.

Is your little swan diving into the infinity pool on your all-inclusive Caribbean vacation? Fantastic.

Do you avoid plastic toys at Christmas and ban perishable water bottles at children's birthday parties? congratulations.

I'm over here right now trying to get my daughter to participate in a virtual speaking session while I hand wash my sons masks, swallow a quick CBD chew and pump antibodies for my baby.

Everyone feels so loud and fake, and the content feels annoying. Even text messages and daily drop-off interactions feel tense, like bursts of impersonal information sharing full of opinions and not-so-subtle showing off. But is it the content that makes me hate people - or is it me?

Pandemic-related posts aside, a lot of what's being shared is the same rampant bullshit it always was. But maybe my lens has changed. Maybe things are a little different when you're feeling isolated and angry.

Now, when I see someone doing something exciting, instead of being happy for them, I immediately feel the burden of all my family's missed opportunities. Hearing someone's accomplishments reminds me of my insecurities about choices I made during that time, rather than allowing myself to share in their joy. And the irritation I feel when I see someone's newly renovated bathroom or a perfectly balanced breakfast — well, that's probably a product of my burnout.

So how do I make sure I don't develop a complete dislike for people before this is all over?

I think my first step is to acknowledge my feelings for what they are - grossly over-sensitive to everything due to two years of pandemic bullshit. You know, It's not you, it's me approach. Limiting social media exposure should also help, especially since we know it wrecks the mind in the first place anyway. Also rediscovering the joy of real human interaction. And of course – therapy. Because in 2022 we could all use them.

Let's see how it goes.

Sam Burnham Davidson is a former attorney, mother of four, who swears a lot. She lives in Beverly, Massachusetts and can be found on Instagram @sammbdavidson.

By: Covid Has Made Me Hate People